a little less talk and a lot more action

why am i nervous?
scared of the new
my confidence
out the door
forced awkwardness
cringe...
stop talking
just do

here goes nothing..

i'm not drowning...

Sara Barellis is my girl.  I saw her in concert before her hit 'love song' came out and i knew it was meant to be.  we would be friends....i'm sure of it ;)  This song, like so many others, has cut deep for me.  Not for any man in particular at the moment.  But too often in my life i've let myself feel like i'm drowning.  In reality i just needed to learn that i am strong and able.  i am woman, hear me roar ;)  And the past 7 months have taught me that.  and so much more.  though i'm in a bluesy, dark music phase, a little pop crept in for the moment.  ejoy.

King of Anything

Sara Bareilles

Keep drinking coffee,

Stare me down across the table

While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able

But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions man

We're all entitled to 'em

But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time

And try not to waste any more of mine

Get out of here fast.

I hate to break it to you babe

But I'm not drowning

There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died and made you king of anything

You sound so innocent

All full of good intent

Swear you know best

But you expect me to

Jump up on board with you

And ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost

With no direction, oh

But you'll never see

You're so busy making maps

With my name on them in all caps

You got the talking down

Just not the listening.

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died and made you king of anything

All my life I've tried

To make everybody happy while I

Just hurt and hide

Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died and made you king of anything

Lemme hold your crown, babe...

 

 

 

Love it.  Oh, did i tell you i'm getting into soccer?  there's good reason...trust me ;)

 

always,

amanda

a little X confusion.

do you ever doubt your decisions?  look back at life and regret mistakes you've made?  wonder just how different your life would be if that situation had changed?  no?  never?  okay...me neither...  lets talk hypothetically then. 

okay.  here we go.  i had a dream a few nights ago. about an X.  One where we were laying on a recliner (??) and just talking.  and suddenly i blurted out how sorry i was for hurting him, and that i've always loved him, and that i still care for him. [whoa]  and he looked at me, smiled, and said it was all okay, he forgave me, and then he kissed me. [double whoa]  So then we got out of the recliner and went tell our families, who weren't necessarily pleased, but they expressed that they were happy that we were happy.  And then it gets fuzzy and i wake up. 

i lay there dazed for a while.  part of my mind thinking it was somewhat real.  what just happened?  what prompted that??  i can honestly say i hadn't thought much about this X as of late, so to have him appear in my dream, to such a great degree was incredibly strange.  And though i do still care for him, and hope nothing but the best for him, i know that those are not the words i would say to him if given the chance.  To make things even stranger, when i logged on to facebook, the first thing on my newsfeed was a friends photo album. so of course i checked out the photos.  and suddenly, there he was, smiling with this friend.  (whom he didn't exaclty get along with while we dated...even more strange)  needless to say my head was spinning.  and for a few moments i let my mind run.  is there a reason why these thoughts have com flooding back?  how might my life be different if i would/wouldn't have made certain decisions?  did i let the greatest thing that ever happened to me pass me by? 

and then my rational mind kicked in...we all know mine runs a little slower.  there were reasons for our breakup.  there have been years between us that have made us vastly different people.  i learned so very much about myself from that relationship/breakup that i would never wish to unlearn.  I AM ME because of what happened in that situation.  though it was a strange day in my brain, it made me realize again that without the trials and tribulations in my life, i would not be the person i am today.  and i love me :)  i have faults, i am strange, i am different.  but i am a good person.  and i have good people!! 

i also have a new adventure that i started tonight.  i'll keep you posted with details, but this could get interesting...


always,
amanda