do you ever doubt your decisions? look back at life and regret mistakes you've made? wonder just how different your life would be if that situation had changed? no? never? okay...me neither... lets talk hypothetically then.
okay. here we go. i had a dream a few nights ago. about an X. One where we were laying on a recliner (??) and just talking. and suddenly i blurted out how sorry i was for hurting him, and that i've always loved him, and that i still care for him. [whoa] and he looked at me, smiled, and said it was all okay, he forgave me, and then he kissed me. [double whoa] So then we got out of the recliner and went tell our families, who weren't necessarily pleased, but they expressed that they were happy that we were happy. And then it gets fuzzy and i wake up.
i lay there dazed for a while. part of my mind thinking it was somewhat real. what just happened? what prompted that?? i can honestly say i hadn't thought much about this X as of late, so to have him appear in my dream, to such a great degree was incredibly strange. And though i do still care for him, and hope nothing but the best for him, i know that those are not the words i would say to him if given the chance. To make things even stranger, when i logged on to facebook, the first thing on my newsfeed was a friends photo album. so of course i checked out the photos. and suddenly, there he was, smiling with this friend. (whom he didn't exaclty get along with while we dated...even more strange) needless to say my head was spinning. and for a few moments i let my mind run. is there a reason why these thoughts have com flooding back? how might my life be different if i would/wouldn't have made certain decisions? did i let the greatest thing that ever happened to me pass me by?
and then my rational mind kicked in...we all know mine runs a little slower. there were reasons for our breakup. there have been years between us that have made us vastly different people. i learned so very much about myself from that relationship/breakup that i would never wish to unlearn. I AM ME because of what happened in that situation. though it was a strange day in my brain, it made me realize again that without the trials and tribulations in my life, i would not be the person i am today. and i love me :) i have faults, i am strange, i am different. but i am a good person. and i have good people!!
i also have a new adventure that i started tonight. i'll keep you posted with details, but this could get interesting...
always,
amanda
