i am a thinker. my mind goes a thousand miles a minute. sometimes it drives me crazy but sometimes it has a certain soothing quality. in situations of confrontation it is usally better for me to collect my thoughts and cool down before i pose my view on the issue. in school it wasn't always easy for me to participate in class because i needed to soak in and digest the information before i felt ready to regurgitate my outlook.
yesterday, on my drive home, i had a realization. if i died today, i'd die happy. a little morbid for the drive home, i agree. but there i was, windows rolled down, paulo nutini singing me a sweet song, warm mountain air breezing through my little car, and it was bliss. i thought about my life, my family, my friends. and it was a wonderful moment. i felt fulfilled.
i thought about what i've done in my life:
i'm a college graduate.
i have an incredibly loving, caring, supportive, hilarious, forgiving, family.
i have friends who daily provide me with love and laughter and so much joy.
i have a job that i love. everyone there feels like family. i've also had a career (feels weird saying that after only being graduated 4 years) that has had it's ups and downs but i feel successful.
i live in the flippin' mountains! everytime i see them i have to take a deep breath and just appreciate them. They are new everyday.
i've taken a leap of faith moving out here. just the fact that i followed one of my lifelong dreams has brought such fulfillment.
i've lived a life of love. or at least put forth my best effort to :) i haven't found that life altering, can't live without, stop you in your tracks love. but i'm okay with that :) i don't believe i've lived less of a life without it. i've loved people. many people. and i believe many have loved me. and that's all i need.
i've seen and experienced things some people only dream of. i've never been out of the country but i've seen so much of our own that i don't mind.
i've been snowboarding :)
then i thought of the things i haven't experienced:
world travel.
relief work in a third world country.
being a wife.
being a mother.
owning a dog.
hiking a 14er :)
that life altering, can't live without, stop you in your tracks love.
becoming a songwriter.
and as i thought of these things i realized i was satisfied with a life without them. sure i'd love to see all those things happen in my life, but i'm not going to define my life by them. death is a reality for everyone. and some people focus so much on the life that people 'didn't get to live.' but its a life they weren't supposed to. it's harder to focus on the life that they did live. i've lost people in my life. some of old age, some quite young. and at the time, when you are faced with a death it's so hard to focus on anything but pain and sorrow. if i die today, or tomorrow, i hope that i'm remembered for the life i lived. because i'm happy with it!
Time-out. things are getting really morbid now. I don't for any reason believe i am going to die soon. these are all just realizations and thoughts that have been running through my mind in the past day.
Time-in. After all these thoughts yesterday, i spent an evening with myself. a date perhaps. Myself and I had a great work out and made a tasty dinner. I gave myself a pedicure and then cuddled up with the puppies and watched a great movie. i fell asleep with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Is it incredibly selfish of me that i did not spent my evening at a soup kitchen or spreading the word on world hunger? some may say yes. but believe that sometimes you have to be a little selfish. to do things to make yourself happy. you won't always find it in someone else. or in things. true joy is inside yourself. find it. love it. savor it.
i may not be able to change the whole world but i can make it smile :)
always,
amanda
