i'm struggling right now...
to believe that people are inherently good. with where i'm really supposed to be. with figuring out who is worth the investment of my time. (which sounds very selfish but an investment should be mutually beneficial right?)
i've lost a lot of myself in this past year. i know that ME is somewhere in there because i see her every once in a while but she's gotten harder and harder to recognize as time goes by. i just want to push the fast forward button on my life for a bit so can get past this valley. sometimes it feels like things are going great in everyone's life but mine. (sorry this is not meant to be a pity party) like tonight, i would have loved to be with my KD ladies to celebrate Sigma Sigma's centenial, but of course, the ball and chain that is my job has me here. most of my friends are leaving me for the summer for internships or moving on after college. my best friend in the world is having a BABY!!! (that is probably the thing i am most excited about!!) i know that great things are in my future but sometimes all the bad things could up my vision for what's ahead and i start to get lost and feel hopeless. and i'm too stubborn to ask for or let anyone help me. i want to believe that i can do it all myself. as much as i am codependent, i am independent. i wrote earlier of the movie into the wild and how i would love to experience the wild in a similar manner. but i would have to have a partner. i could not go without human contact for that long of a period of time.
lets just hope i can survive today. work, a wedding shower, work again:):), then a bachelorette party. Then of course...more work tomorrow! As long as no one calls and says they can't work for this reason or that...i'll be okay. If i could clone myself i would. if nothing else but for the purpose of running my front desk 24/7. then i'd always know that the audit would balance, people are getting checked in and out correctly, and i'd just be able to have the desk staffed all day! then i could live my life and not worry about it:) if anyone wants to work full time days or weekend night audit...let me know. i'd be more than happy to teach you:)
i end this rant with a song my little sister introduced me to. it has moved me and given me hope. so for now...i'm working on growing my roots;)
so many things to do and say
and i can't seem to find a way
but i want to know how
i know i'm meant for something else
but first i've got to find myself
but i don't know how
oh why do i reach for the stars
when i don't have wings
it can't be that far
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i wanna be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
sometimes i don't want to feel
and i forget the pain is real
with my head in the clouds
start to run and then i fall
thinking i can get it all
without my feet on the ground
there's always a seed
before theres a rose
the more that it rains
the more i will grow
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i want to be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
whatever comes i'll still stand
if i have roots before branches
...and i so i leave you with hope. i've got it even on the darkest day. if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it.
always...amanda
