it's funny how timing works in life. things happen, good and bad, so you can learn from them. and usually just at the time you need it. i've recently had a time where what felt like everything to me had been taken. my car, my keys, my ID, my phone. and it all made me realize how dependent i had become on these things, when that's all they really are...things. over the past few weeks i've come to appreciate the bigger 'things' in my life. my health, my loving family, my friends, who i may not get to see often but care more for me than i really ever knew. these are the things that for the past year, as i struggled through a lot of pain and a lot of self doubt, i have taken for granted. i can't say i am yet the person who i want to be. i will always have faults and misgivings. but i am re-learning to appreciate the things that matter. the people who matter.
life is all about second chances. learn from mistakes and move on. forgiveness is always the answer, though sometimes a struggle.
i am looking forward to a rebuilding year. one with many second chances that i am not willing to pass up. and hopefully some brand new chances and challenges that i can face with utter certainty that i will make it through.
and...the cubs will go to the world series. if we all just believe...:)
always, amanda
5.29.2008
4.26.2008
the mess that is my mind...
i'm struggling right now...
to believe that people are inherently good. with where i'm really supposed to be. with figuring out who is worth the investment of my time. (which sounds very selfish but an investment should be mutually beneficial right?)
i've lost a lot of myself in this past year. i know that ME is somewhere in there because i see her every once in a while but she's gotten harder and harder to recognize as time goes by. i just want to push the fast forward button on my life for a bit so can get past this valley. sometimes it feels like things are going great in everyone's life but mine. (sorry this is not meant to be a pity party) like tonight, i would have loved to be with my KD ladies to celebrate Sigma Sigma's centenial, but of course, the ball and chain that is my job has me here. most of my friends are leaving me for the summer for internships or moving on after college. my best friend in the world is having a BABY!!! (that is probably the thing i am most excited about!!) i know that great things are in my future but sometimes all the bad things could up my vision for what's ahead and i start to get lost and feel hopeless. and i'm too stubborn to ask for or let anyone help me. i want to believe that i can do it all myself. as much as i am codependent, i am independent. i wrote earlier of the movie into the wild and how i would love to experience the wild in a similar manner. but i would have to have a partner. i could not go without human contact for that long of a period of time.
lets just hope i can survive today. work, a wedding shower, work again:):), then a bachelorette party. Then of course...more work tomorrow! As long as no one calls and says they can't work for this reason or that...i'll be okay. If i could clone myself i would. if nothing else but for the purpose of running my front desk 24/7. then i'd always know that the audit would balance, people are getting checked in and out correctly, and i'd just be able to have the desk staffed all day! then i could live my life and not worry about it:) if anyone wants to work full time days or weekend night audit...let me know. i'd be more than happy to teach you:)
i end this rant with a song my little sister introduced me to. it has moved me and given me hope. so for now...i'm working on growing my roots;)
so many things to do and say
and i can't seem to find a way
but i want to know how
i know i'm meant for something else
but first i've got to find myself
but i don't know how
oh why do i reach for the stars
when i don't have wings
it can't be that far
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i wanna be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
sometimes i don't want to feel
and i forget the pain is real
with my head in the clouds
start to run and then i fall
thinking i can get it all
without my feet on the ground
there's always a seed
before theres a rose
the more that it rains
the more i will grow
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i want to be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
whatever comes i'll still stand
if i have roots before branches
...and i so i leave you with hope. i've got it even on the darkest day. if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it.
always...amanda
to believe that people are inherently good. with where i'm really supposed to be. with figuring out who is worth the investment of my time. (which sounds very selfish but an investment should be mutually beneficial right?)
i've lost a lot of myself in this past year. i know that ME is somewhere in there because i see her every once in a while but she's gotten harder and harder to recognize as time goes by. i just want to push the fast forward button on my life for a bit so can get past this valley. sometimes it feels like things are going great in everyone's life but mine. (sorry this is not meant to be a pity party) like tonight, i would have loved to be with my KD ladies to celebrate Sigma Sigma's centenial, but of course, the ball and chain that is my job has me here. most of my friends are leaving me for the summer for internships or moving on after college. my best friend in the world is having a BABY!!! (that is probably the thing i am most excited about!!) i know that great things are in my future but sometimes all the bad things could up my vision for what's ahead and i start to get lost and feel hopeless. and i'm too stubborn to ask for or let anyone help me. i want to believe that i can do it all myself. as much as i am codependent, i am independent. i wrote earlier of the movie into the wild and how i would love to experience the wild in a similar manner. but i would have to have a partner. i could not go without human contact for that long of a period of time.
lets just hope i can survive today. work, a wedding shower, work again:):), then a bachelorette party. Then of course...more work tomorrow! As long as no one calls and says they can't work for this reason or that...i'll be okay. If i could clone myself i would. if nothing else but for the purpose of running my front desk 24/7. then i'd always know that the audit would balance, people are getting checked in and out correctly, and i'd just be able to have the desk staffed all day! then i could live my life and not worry about it:) if anyone wants to work full time days or weekend night audit...let me know. i'd be more than happy to teach you:)
i end this rant with a song my little sister introduced me to. it has moved me and given me hope. so for now...i'm working on growing my roots;)
so many things to do and say
and i can't seem to find a way
but i want to know how
i know i'm meant for something else
but first i've got to find myself
but i don't know how
oh why do i reach for the stars
when i don't have wings
it can't be that far
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i wanna be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
sometimes i don't want to feel
and i forget the pain is real
with my head in the clouds
start to run and then i fall
thinking i can get it all
without my feet on the ground
there's always a seed
before theres a rose
the more that it rains
the more i will grow
gotta have roots before branches
to know who i am
to know who i want to be
and faith to take chances
to live like i see
a place in this world for me
whatever comes i'll still stand
if i have roots before branches
...and i so i leave you with hope. i've got it even on the darkest day. if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it.
always...amanda
3.24.2008
release.
not too big
not too far
each step i take
closer to you
i can see the end
but it's the inbetween
i get caught in
never sure
which way to turn
but each mistake
i take in, move on
sunrise will bring
new chances, new choices
-------------------------------
there are reasons
for happenings they say
and meaning can be found
but i don't want
reasonings and meanings
i want it all back
the selfish make excuses
i pretend to have none
but denial won't help
my thoughts are daily drawn
to the could haves
and what ifs of life
----------------------------
patience.
for what is meant to be.
for joy
for prosperity
for contentment.
i am not the girl
to sit and wait for
life to happen.
i rarely sit on the sidelines.
i like being out in the game.
i never know exactly
what i want.
until i lose it
or it hits me right in the face.
------------------------------------
how do you follow dreams
when you don't know what they are?
how does a life look so complete
and yet be crumbling all at once?
how can i make a difference
in such an afflicted world?
WHERE DO I BEGIN?
it all seems so simple
but still so very complex.
-----------------------------------
sometimes
i feel lost.
no thing to pull me
in one direction
or another.
no one to tell me
which way is home.
no feeling that says
this is it
this is you.
who am i really...
----------------------------------
real world
not as predicted
penny to penny
no fulfillment
only in empty bottles
that lead nowhere
and leave me with
nothing...
what is out there?
i ache to discover
love?
life?
meaning?
they must be somehwere...
so begins my search.
not too far
each step i take
closer to you
i can see the end
but it's the inbetween
i get caught in
never sure
which way to turn
but each mistake
i take in, move on
sunrise will bring
new chances, new choices
-------------------------------
there are reasons
for happenings they say
and meaning can be found
but i don't want
reasonings and meanings
i want it all back
the selfish make excuses
i pretend to have none
but denial won't help
my thoughts are daily drawn
to the could haves
and what ifs of life
----------------------------
patience.
for what is meant to be.
for joy
for prosperity
for contentment.
i am not the girl
to sit and wait for
life to happen.
i rarely sit on the sidelines.
i like being out in the game.
i never know exactly
what i want.
until i lose it
or it hits me right in the face.
------------------------------------
how do you follow dreams
when you don't know what they are?
how does a life look so complete
and yet be crumbling all at once?
how can i make a difference
in such an afflicted world?
WHERE DO I BEGIN?
it all seems so simple
but still so very complex.
-----------------------------------
sometimes
i feel lost.
no thing to pull me
in one direction
or another.
no one to tell me
which way is home.
no feeling that says
this is it
this is you.
who am i really...
----------------------------------
real world
not as predicted
penny to penny
no fulfillment
only in empty bottles
that lead nowhere
and leave me with
nothing...
what is out there?
i ache to discover
love?
life?
meaning?
they must be somehwere...
so begins my search.
2.24.2008
the wild.
some days you just need a good cry/heart to heart. today was one of those days. my life lately has seemed without purpose. living each day for the next and at the end looking back at nothing. today i watched into the wild. i haven't cried that hard since the last time my heart was broken. i've always had a soft spot for adaptations of true stories but this one really, really hit home. i won't go into gory detail about the movie and dissect each part, but the one spot where i think i was hit the most was near the very end. he was writing between the lines of a book and because of his weakend state his writing was labored and slow, dragging the emotion out all the more, 'happiness only real unless shared.' and waterworks...and only slightly because i am single.
the movie was followed by an intense heart to heart conversation between myself and two of my very good friends. this past year has been one where i have learned the most about myself and releasing some of those thoughts and emotions that have been muddling in my brain for so long felt good. i am no where near knowing all there is of me but i guess that is one great adventure in life.
right now my ambition is to find purpose. maybe not quite to the extreme that chris/alex used but maybe that is why i started this blog. to have a place where i can empty my thoughts and try, somehow, to make sense of them all. my life is here for something...
music has always been my therapy. as i sit here i hear the song 'over and under' by egypt central. i am not surprised that you don't know of them but the song exemplifies some of what i feel. 'i can finally stand, i can finally breathe.' burden has kept me down for so long and i can finally say i feel like i can stand and breathe. i know that it will take so much more than a movie or a song or a good cry for the burden to be completely lifted (and maybe it never will be) but i am taking steps forward. see also 'gravity' by sara bareilles.
i have so much more to figure out but baby steps are a place to start:)
love is uphill
never a chance to take a break
only press forward
self is my obstacle
the movie was followed by an intense heart to heart conversation between myself and two of my very good friends. this past year has been one where i have learned the most about myself and releasing some of those thoughts and emotions that have been muddling in my brain for so long felt good. i am no where near knowing all there is of me but i guess that is one great adventure in life.
right now my ambition is to find purpose. maybe not quite to the extreme that chris/alex used but maybe that is why i started this blog. to have a place where i can empty my thoughts and try, somehow, to make sense of them all. my life is here for something...
music has always been my therapy. as i sit here i hear the song 'over and under' by egypt central. i am not surprised that you don't know of them but the song exemplifies some of what i feel. 'i can finally stand, i can finally breathe.' burden has kept me down for so long and i can finally say i feel like i can stand and breathe. i know that it will take so much more than a movie or a song or a good cry for the burden to be completely lifted (and maybe it never will be) but i am taking steps forward. see also 'gravity' by sara bareilles.
i have so much more to figure out but baby steps are a place to start:)
love is uphill
never a chance to take a break
only press forward
self is my obstacle
2.17.2008
this is me...
just a quick view into the life of amanda...
I
I love cheese.
I love doing laundry.
I love my bed.
I am straightforward.
I am a sarcastic person who takes things too literally sometimes.
I am oblivious.
I hate making decisions but do it quite often for other people.
I love people who make me laugh. even more, people who can challenge me to think/grow/be.
I love my family more than anything!
I am not someone to sit back and wait for things to happen. I make them happen.
I love to cozy up with a great book or great tunes or both!
I will do anything for my true friends:):):)
I am an ESFJ.
I don't play games.
I am bad at keeping in touch...:( (working on it!)
I am an amazing navigator. with just a wee bit of road rage:o)
I am sick of working weekends...i want them back...
I think my biggest weakness is men who smell good.
I will move to europe if hilary is elected president.
I would say that the best feeling in the world is slowly waking up, fully rested. looking at the clock and realizing you still have a few hours before you have to be up...did i say yet that i love my bed?
I tend to be impatient.
I am in love with music...
I
I love cheese.
I love doing laundry.
I love my bed.
I am straightforward.
I am a sarcastic person who takes things too literally sometimes.
I am oblivious.
I hate making decisions but do it quite often for other people.
I love people who make me laugh. even more, people who can challenge me to think/grow/be.
I love my family more than anything!
I am not someone to sit back and wait for things to happen. I make them happen.
I love to cozy up with a great book or great tunes or both!
I will do anything for my true friends:):):)
I am an ESFJ.
I don't play games.
I am bad at keeping in touch...:( (working on it!)
I am an amazing navigator. with just a wee bit of road rage:o)
I am sick of working weekends...i want them back...
I think my biggest weakness is men who smell good.
I will move to europe if hilary is elected president.
I would say that the best feeling in the world is slowly waking up, fully rested. looking at the clock and realizing you still have a few hours before you have to be up...did i say yet that i love my bed?
I tend to be impatient.
I am in love with music...
2.16.2008
just the beginning...
so i created this blog after urging from my sister who had recently done the same. i have yet to figure out what i will really use this as an outlet for but currently my thoughts are with andy davis. he was the inspiritation behind the naming if this blog. i have yet to dislike, in any way, the music he produces. my musical mind leans toward singer/songwriters as of lately. okay the past year or so. and in andy davis i feel i have found a musical soulmate. each song seems to speak to me, my life, my experiences in some way. except of course for the songs like 'let the woman' about the woman he loves and 'brown eyes' about a woman he encountered in passing but seems to have fallen in love with. though i could easily change words to make them work for me...i encourage those who care enough about me to read this crazy thing to also venture to www.virb.com/andydavis and check out what/who i'm talking about. prepare to be amazed...
in the future i hope to post poetry. as that is my biggest creative release but i will leave you with the wise words of andy. the song that inspired a blog...
amateurs
so this is how it feels
leaning to kiss the one you love
and she turns a cheek
tell me how it feels
watching the walls of the house that you built
start crumbling...
yeah you feel love is passing you by
one more time
but you're not surprised
we're all amateurs
heaven knows we're not perfect
we try to ge it right
keep messin' up but we're learning
when the day is done
i wanna know
how do you love someone?
how do you really love?
if you're further down the road
put up a sign
everyone will show me
which way to go
maybe you should start a fire
if your love is strong
we could just follow smoke
yeah you fell like you're broken down
waiting til the truth comes out
we're all amateurs
heaven knows we're not perfect
we try to ge it right
keep messin' up but we're learning
when the day is done
i wanna know
how do you love someone?
how do you really love someone?
in the future i hope to post poetry. as that is my biggest creative release but i will leave you with the wise words of andy. the song that inspired a blog...
amateurs
so this is how it feels
leaning to kiss the one you love
and she turns a cheek
tell me how it feels
watching the walls of the house that you built
start crumbling...
yeah you feel love is passing you by
one more time
but you're not surprised
we're all amateurs
heaven knows we're not perfect
we try to ge it right
keep messin' up but we're learning
when the day is done
i wanna know
how do you love someone?
how do you really love?
if you're further down the road
put up a sign
everyone will show me
which way to go
maybe you should start a fire
if your love is strong
we could just follow smoke
yeah you fell like you're broken down
waiting til the truth comes out
we're all amateurs
heaven knows we're not perfect
we try to ge it right
keep messin' up but we're learning
when the day is done
i wanna know
how do you love someone?
how do you really love someone?
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